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Let Them Eat Cake

As a senior, I’ve adopted the habit of giving out unwanted advice.  Like your grandfather at family events, minus the inability to grasp basic technology. And my advice has more to do with college and less to do with The War.  The problem, as my mom and her church group sees it, is that my advice is not exactly “good”. It’s more what you’d call “misguided” and “no thanks”.

That being said, I get paid to write this blog as an honest portrayal of what it means to be a college student and college students are, inherently, bad people. I mean, we are great people. We just aren’t good people. Accept it and move on. This blog isn’t about your existential crisis; it’s about me and my compulsive need to impart as much bad advice as I possibly can before I leave and I lose my forum. Here’s part one. Please follow responsibly. There is a difference between being a bad person and being a really, really stupid person (looking at you, kid I saw on Wednesday pouring a Monster Energy Drink into a thermos of coffee).

Bad Advice: Part One

1. If you are going to procrastinate, you might as well commit to it. Have a whole day in which you specifically get nothing even remotely accomplished—school does not exist on these days. Watch an entire season of television. Get a back tattoo of the Supreme Court Justices (except Scalia because he looks like the hamburglar). Visit a nunnery. It doesn’t matter. Just go big.

2. Don’t make excuses for the person you are. I’m bad at math, not because I have a “writer’s brain” or because I got vaccinated when I was a kid. I’m bad at math because I’m bad at math. I wore my pajamas to the grocery store today because that’s who I am as a human being. I don’t need a reason other than that.

3. Taco Bell. College students know heartache. They know fear and pain and abandonment. But you have to understand: Taco Bell will never let you down. In terms of the relationship hierarchy, Taco Bell is like your midwife.

4. Room with your friends. I guarantee at some point your high school guidance counselor (named Karen, probably) told you that in college, you should never room with your friends because that’s how friendships die. Wrong. That’s a terrible generalization to make. I’ve roomed with my best friend for years and she’s the best roommate you could ask her. Rooming with your friends mean that, yes, you will get distracted away from your work more often than you would if you roomed with the weird girl down the hall who eats nothing but mayonnaise on saltines, but you also will sleep sounder at night.

5. Don’t join clubs. Okay, join clubs but don’t feel obligated to join them. I am a firm supporter of reclusive shadows and angry isolation, but I’m also in half a dozen clubs because I’m a delight to be around. I hate doing things, but I sometimes like to do things occasionally. Especially because most clubs provide free food/t shirts/insurance against crippling loneliness.

6. Go to parties.

7. Star Trek.

8. Say no to pants. I don’t know… I’m losing steam quickly on this, guys…

9. Communism?

10. Photography…raptors…?

 

Yeah, that’s all I really got for now. Good luck and try not to think too hard about it.

-Ashley

 

Ashley is a senior Creative Writing major from Payette, Idaho