Quotes from Professors: Round 3!

The professors at the C of I are some of my favorite people ever. They are smart, witty and downright hilarious. Welcome to Quotes from Professors, Round 3! What kinds of things to professors talk about in class?

They comment on their colleagues:

“Loners, but well-behaved…that describes about ¾ of the teachers on this campus.” – Dayley

“For some reason, Hunter teaches all political philosophy revolves around prostitutes, I don’t know why.” – LiCalzi

“Imagine Jasper LiCalzi with a gun! He’d shoot himself, like that clown at…Idaho State!” – Hunter

They give pseudo-philosophical advice:

“When in doubt, consult the score.” – Dr. Wells

“Water no longer exists.” – Mansfield

“Time is somewhat irrelevant.” – LiCalzi

They give definitely-not-philosophical advice:

“Turn here you dumbass!” – LiCalzi

"Someone use the power of the Google." – Dr. Wells

"Alcohol is the lubrication that makes karaoke work." – Dr. Wells

“Romping and frisking was different then than it is now, plus there’s no alcohol involved, so it’s all okay.” – Dr. Wells

“Let’s make it demonic in a different way.” – Dr. Wells

They make bad jokes/bad puns:

“Everyone bring their G-strings.” – Dr. Wells

“You could just give me the money and I’ll act like I’m mad.” – LiCalzi

“It was kind of mezzo-boring.” – Dr. Wells

“You want mo mo mo, but you only got so much dough,” – LiCalzi

“Why isn’t the market free? It’s been thrown in jail. It’s been drunk and disorderly.” – LiCalzi

They talk about history:

“They went from Mao Zedong to like, MTV, overnight.” – Dayley

“All you people that just got free from oppression you better start partying right now!” – Dr. Wells

“I’m ready to throw some tea overboard.” – Dayley

They ask really thought-provoking questions:

“Are you smarter than a cardboard cutout?” – LiCalzi

“What’s your favorite weed?” – Mansfield

“Can it sound like all the end of creation by the power of crescendo?” – Dr. Wells

 “So what’s the advantage of cruel and unusual punishment?” – Hunter

They contemplate their own deaths:

“If they cremate my soul…” – Dayley

“Do I even have to turn in that paper? LiCalzi’s not gonna last that long.” – LiCalzi

“Pretty soon you go ‘Oh man, I’m getting dead!’” – Mansfield

They say things that sound extremely creepy:

“Tear off your clothes and look horrible.” – Dr. Wells

“So you gotta lotta worms, and they’ll eat your muscles.” – Mansfield

 “It seems like we have a plague of biblical proportions on our hands.” – Dr. Wells

They plot world domination:

“There are some who resist me. Give in to the dark side!” – Dr. Wells

“If we have Emperor LiCalzi…which is not necessarily a bad idea.” – LiCalzi

They tell everyone their rules for class:

“Before you come to class, empty your bowels and your bladder.” – Dr. Wells

“No interviews with Martinis. Your papers tend not to be as good.” – LiCalzi

“Once I’m sick of you, I’ll kick you out.” – Dr. Wells

“Stop sharing bodily fluids with me.” – LiCalzi

“The way you sing now is not good enough.” – Dr. Wells

“Shitty papers don’t make me happy, and you want to make me happy.” – LiCalzi

They tell us about their own lives:

“As in most instances in my life, a strong-willed woman makes a decision and I do what she says.” – Dr. Wells

“I can’t just excise a tax on people in my neighborhood because I want to.” – Dayley

“I live and breathe in Boone, that’s all I believe in.” – LiCalzi

"Only a little onion, because we're going to make out later." – Dr. Wells

“As some of you know, I’m a big nerd, and I have a currency collection.” – Dayley

“Because I am a professional, as you can tell by how I dress on a daily basis.” – Hunter

“Don’t mess with me over there woman! I didn’t have my Greek Yogurt today!” – Dr. Wells

“We’re changing the name of the [POE] department [to Calling Bullshit on People], if I could get Dayley to agree with me.” – LiCalzi

“I just want to go back to my stone-age phone when no one talked to me. I want to be a hermit.” – Dr. Wells

They are dramatic:

"I only have one hope left for the trip...that we don't crash the cars in the basement of the hotel." – Dr. Wells

“When you say INBRE you have to just stand back and see the glow…It’s holy.” – LiCalzi

“The closer the baby gets, the more terrifying it becomes.” – Dr. Wells

“I really like Presidential candidates who drop F-bombs.” – LiCalzi

“A hex on you and your house if you did not breathe.” – Dr. Wells

“Lucinda, we need Obama!” – LiCalzi

“I do these questions for theatrical effect – your job is to be quiet.” – Berger


 Caitlin Fellows is a senior International Political Economy Major from Salt Lake City, Utah