Penultimate Professor Pronunciations (aka Quotes from Professors)

"Drumroll please...." Quotes from Professors is back!! Here's what the C of I professors have been talking about in class lately:

They are elaborating on their class rules:

“I don’t care if you’re Hemingway, I want what I want.” – LiCalzi

“For this piece, sound angry and like Arnold Schwarzenegger and we’ll be alright.” – Dr. Wells

“Take 30 seconds, free swim with the Italian.” – Dr. Wells

“This class is part paper-writing workshop, part group therapy.” – Dayley

They are (still) commenting on their fellow professors:

“They’re all hipsters, so that’s just horrible…they all ride around on their bicycles, like Maughan.” – LiCalzi

“That sounds like a Berger final – show up and watch this movie.” – Dr. Wells

“When you see the movie The Martian, that’s Mansfield!” – LiCalzi

“Oh no, I’m quoting Angresano! That was scary.” – Dayley

They are making even more terrible puns/jokes:

“Arguments are not strong! Can they lift anything? No!” – LiCalzi

 “The piano has a keyboard…but you can’t really take notes on it.” – Smith

“Morendo means we’re diminuendoing and literally dying.” – Dr. Wells

They are talking about (potentially) disreputable behaviors:

“So I found out that my neighborhood was like full of strip clubs.” – Mee-Ae Kim

“If it seemed like it was heavy on the sexual innuendo and full frontal nudity, that’s not what I was going for.” – Dr. Wells

“Anybody own a whip? Like a leather whip? Me too.” – Sam Smith

“By the 5th [performance of the Nutcracker], you’re ready to start drinking on the job.” – Sam Smith

“There is a progression there in terms of inebriation.” – Dr. Wells

“In other words, life’s short; I’ll start at the pub and then go to church after.” – Sam Smith

“There’s no relationship, just drinking.” – Dr. Wells

“They’re worried about young men going to Vegas and doing coke for a three-day weekend.” – Erin Hern

They really like talking about Canada:

“Bastards up north. Canadians!” – LiCalzi

“They’re Canadian wolves – probably socialist wolves.” – Scott Knickerbocker

“We often forget Canada because only like 30 million people live there.” – Mee-Ae Kim

“We’re so bold as to say ‘Okay Canada, give us your water!’” – Jamie Goode “They’re too polite to say no.” – Scott Knickerbocker

They are giving you lots of confidence in your grade for the class:

“No one died in creating these papers, which I’m happy about this year.” – LiCalzi

“Does this put you to sleep? That means it’s important!” – LiCalzi

 “If you fail this class, I will use you as an example FOREVER.” – Mee-Ae Kim

“If you have this on a test and you don’t identify it as Baroque, you’ll be shot.” – Sam Smith

“We’re off to a good start – nobody’s run out crying yet.” – Dayley

They are making plans for the future:

“I should be a rapper.” – LiCalzi

“This needs to soothe the audience after we’ve told them they’re going to hell.” – Dr. Wells

“Previews of coming attractions within the next 15 minutes.” – Mansfield

“We could just outlaw fossil fuels.” – LiCalzi

“Put your baby on a raft, and hope for the best, right?” – Mansfield

They are giving questionable advice:

“I would highly recommend corporatism if you ever plan on being a totalitarian.” – Dayley

“How do you control a man? You literally take his penis and put it in your purse.” – Mee-Ae Kim

“Guys, just never talk to girls and you’ll be just fine.” – Dr. Wells

“[Getting professors gifts is] somewhere between brownnosing and corruption.” – Dayley

“One man’s fossils, another man’s trash.” – Mansfield

They keep talking about history:

“He had very nice legs and wanted everyone to know it. Much nicer than the King of France.” – Dori Johnson

“And you’ll know everything is pretty hunky-dory until Adam and Eve disobey God.” – Garth Claassen

“Hygiene of course, is not one of the things witches are concerned with.” – Mee-Ae KIm

“We’re a lot closer to Asia than we were last week.” – Mansfield

“Disregarding copyright law is very Chinese.” – Dayley

They are making you question their sanity:

“We could gauge each of these thinkers’ philosophies by how long his beard is.” – Scott Knickerbocker

“So you got my email on Monday…which I penned from a drug-induced state in the hospital, in case you were wondering.” – Dr. Wells

“Everyone who had human emotion was crying at that point…not me.” – Dr. Wells

 “Sometimes you just gotta put on a pirate patch and talk to people, see how they react.” – Sam Smith

“I’m less reliable than Wikipedia.” – LiCalzi

“So. The salmon lives on. In the trees.” – Jamie Goode

“If you’re on LSD, you might be able to figure out what’s going on.” – LiCalzi