The first and only feeling I had when I stepped onto campus my freshmen year was fear.
Not only was the college a completely new place, but I also was moving into a stranger-filled dorm from another state. Every situation was unfamiliar, from sharing a room with somebody to sleeping on a twin sized bed (I’m a privileged white girl, I sleep on a queen).
It wasn’t until I landed in the DMK Bangkok airport for a layover that I began to grasp the implications of traveling alone to foreign country, where I am unfamiliar with the language and culture. Sure, maybe I would be able to survive for the next two weeks, but was I about to waste most of my year’s savings on some bizarre, uncomfortable cultural pilgrimage?
Three thousand years from now, archeologists will dig up my tattered bones from the rubble of what is now The College of Idaho. I imagine they would assess the scene and debate my cause of death in the following manner:
Scientist #1 “There appears to be blunt force trauma. Perhaps she was hit by a bus?”
Scientist #2 “No, due to the deep lacerations, it’s possible it was due to something internal.”
After a few minutes of controversy there would be a unanimous diagnosis; I died of embarrassment.
I have taken my last final. I have turned in my last paper. Aside from actually walking across the stage at graduation, I am officially done at the College of Idaho. It still doesn’t feel real. And I am completely terrified. I have a (very) rough plan of what I'm doing after college, but mostly I'm just wandering aimlessly trying to figure out something to do with my life.
Location. It’s a word that Adrienne Rich planted in the middle of my mind.
The spaces we occupy are special in that we shape them by being there and they shape us in a complimentary manner. The Voorhees Bench shapes my flabby buttocks as I roost, then my mind as I talk to the community centered by this place, this location. I shape it with cigarette butts in the garbage can, by removing refuse here then there. We change each other. This is what location is.
I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t think I have sat down in 3 months. Emotionally sat down, I mean. And I haven’t seen the sun in 5. I am so tired. Imagine running a marathon the last four years and then right as you get to the home stretch someone lights you on fire. Welcome to the last month of senior year.
I’m a traitor to The College of Idaho, and have been informed of that fact many times over these past few weeks. Ever since the CWI commercial I’m in started showing up on the television sets of my professors and friends, I’ve been sassed unrelentingly for my faithless ways. Which like… fair, but I’m an actress, and we’re notorious for being bad about that sort of thing.